SQL with Manoj

Yes, SQL Jokes… there are SQL jokes also… on internet that I collated from various sources and now they are in my single post, all below… read & enjoy!!!

>> A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says ‘Can I join you?
Then a waitress walks up and says ‘Nice view !

>> Joins are what RDBMS’s do for a living.

>> And afterwards…like most men…he performed a Rollback and never Commited…

>> He picked those two tables after performing a full scan of the other tables in the room.

>> A SQL query walks into a bar on Valentine’s day, and sees two tables. She says “insert all this, you cartesian pigs!”

>> Q: Why do you never ask SQL people to help you move your furniture?
A: They sometimes drops the table

>> The Query was soon surrounded by subQueries – it was then he realized he had walked into an Array Bar.

>> SQL Table walks to a psychiatrist dr. Index
Table: “Doctor, I have a problem”
Dr: “what kind a problem?”
Table: “I’m a mess. I have things all over the place, i always look for my stuff”
Dr. “No problem. I will get you in order”.

>> Index and table are reading a book “index-sutra”
Table: Oh, baby tonight we can try a clustered position”
Index: “yeah baby, we can also try covered position”
Table: “or maybe multiple clustered position”
Index: “baby, yes, that’s the one. i’m just gonna call my friends”

>> Indexianina philosophy on Fill factor 50 = “Half empty or Half full?”

>> What does an execution plan say to t-sql query? “Go f**k yourself, if you are not happy with me”

>> Execution plan to t-sql query is like alter-ego to self.

>> What does table say to a trigger: “Hey, stop it, i’m full”.

>> When did God create the DBA ? A. The day before he had his rights revoked.

>> BIT says to itself: “When I grow up, i want to be BLOB”.

>> There are two types of DBAs:
1) DBAs that do backups
2) DBAs that will do backups

>> An Oracle DBA and a DB2 DBA walk into a bar. The barman asks them what they’d like to drink and a huge debate ensues on how to optimize the query. (Boom Tish)
Their mate the SQL Server DBA rolls in after about 15 minutes only to find them still arguing. After rolling his eyes at them, he walks up to the bar and greets the barman warmly. The barman asks him “Hey, you’re a DBA too aren’t you? Why aren’t you joining in?” The SQL Server DBA grins at the barman and says “Ah… well… the reason I’m late is that this always happens when these clowns go out drinking – I work with SQL Server, so I had the option of optimizing the query using a wizard before I got here! So mine’s a scotch!”

>> NULL is the Chuck Norris of the database – nothing can be compared to it.

>> What kind of undergarments to DBAs wear?
Well, (who’d have guessed it) Depends…

>> It is March 1st and the first day of DBMS school
The teacher starts off with a role call..

Teacher: Oracle?
“Present sir”
Teacher: DB2?
“Present sir”
Teacher: SQL Server?
“Present sir”
Teacher: MySQL?
[Silence]
Teacher: MySQL?
[Silence]
Teacher: Where the hell is MySQL
[In rushes MySQL, unshaven, hair a mess]
Teacher: Where have you been MySQL
“Sorry sir I thought it was February 31st“

… comments & more jokes are welcome!!!
 

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